ADVENTURAMA.

Anyways. New Things. New Look. New Year. New Apartment.
Went on a shitty date tonight, but whatever, the world moves on. I often find it funny that sometimes I lower my standards for the sake of validation from other fags, I am slowly starting to realize that maybe that is such a shitty mistake, and will probably never lower my standards again. But come to think of it, as fags we're always driven by sex, and the act of the conquest rather than the solution. That is why adam4adam and gay bars exist, I guess, the thrill of the hunt. Sometimes I find that the orgasm lies in the hunt rather than catching what I need to catch, surprising no? I just like the chase, the thought of the action rather.
In San Francisco gays are a dime dozen, and after dating in this city for most of my 20s I am slowly starting to realize that maybe you will never find the real deal here? At the same token sometimes true love does exist.
Alright whatever moving on... New Apartment in the Pacific Heights Neighborhood of things. HUGE. only set back is the carpet! Im beginning to despise it. I hate vacuums! New roomate is absolutely adorable STRAIGHT european man with a girlfriend. Space has kitchen, common room, and my HUGE ass bedroom all for a little under 900. No closet space though, which is kind of the thing that is pissing me off, cause if you know me, you should understand that I have ALOT of clothes.. too much.. I might have a sale around spring, and donate the rest. Sad but true. Hopefully this situation works out! BUT i am excited. Irony of it all is its across the church where I used to go to ALL of my AA meetings weird.
I'll tell you about my new job later. Things are finally starting to get there.. slowly but surely right?

xx00

The Rain.

Nights like this, I like to stare out into the horizon and see the pretty lights through the clearing rain clouds. Sometimes it brings up emotions that I don't want to address. The reality is, I'm not in the best space right now. I know I know you might always be saying that wait, he's always like this.

I look at this picture and find solace. I took it months ago on a clear October day, which is as you know San Francisco's famed Indian Summer where things are just perfect. I know life will never be like this. But theres always wishful thingking

Period Piece.

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map, I knew that some how, I could find my way back...

Lots of death all around, kinda weird. seeing how moments like these place perspective and gratitude within me. I never know how to answer myself sometimes with questions that I ask myself, but at least I know that there is an answer to it. Somehow I am asking myself whether predictability is on my side, like a bastard tumor that you just can't seem to get a handle on.
I feel a little disheveled, a little defeated to be honest. Somehow the maniacal seems more plausible than absurd and my fantasy is becoming more reality. I wish there was a way I could traverse it all, some instantaneous magic whisper I could be.

Inevitable

So I am not exactly much of a writer, nor am I the kind of person that I would imagine ever could put together a "one woman show". You see in all my years of drag, all my years of watching it, doing it, being a part of it, the one woman show was something I never really understood. Maybe being the young and foolish person that I am never really understand the cathartic level that writing a one woman show could be, and only recently have I totally kind of embraced the notion that I could actually, just maybe pull it off.
I must admit I am kind of fearful of undertaking it. It sort of came out as a last minute excuse to fill an empty night and nary had i any idea of what it would be. But thankfully I live in a community filled with great artists, actors, comedians, who somewhat believe in my talent (or lack thereof) maybe the magic is there. Who knows. I'm not trying to be serious. God knows I don't have any real acting skills. SO who really knows what'll happen that tuesday night. I thought I should just preface the show as not to be taken seriously at all, it's an experiment. who knows. it is what it is. So please come on down to Chaser at the EndUp on Tuesday February 16th 2009. I am selling Jello Shots and maybe doing Raffle prizes.
The doors open at 9pm and the show begins at 12am, we have an awesome DJ in the guise of musical genius, Virginia Suicide. So please please come down and check it out

Ten Thousand Percent

I haven't blogged in a while, I feel harsh for neglecting it but here I am again. 3:45am clacking away, listening to Taylor Swift. Nothing new has changed really, I'm still running the most retarded drag show on earth. Although the amount of people we get is now consistent rather than fluctuating, some nights are great, some nights are okay, and I am fine with that. I think the key to all of this is consistency, finding the right balance between everything, and in just a few short months I will be celebrating one year! I really didn't think I would survive this long to be honest, but as it dawned on me today, I need to do this for my own sanity. It's been the one stabilizing force in my life, it seems like lately, I've been prone to some sort of calamity, but Chaser is still there, come hell or high water.
A few months ago, I was perfectly unsure about where I would be. It kind of warped my mind to think that maybe this was who I will be for the rest of my life, just another queen hosting a show, and I felt a little stuck, each day comes easier though, and with every challenge and obstacle I face it seems a little more plausible. I am however grateful for the support system I have now. I like that I can call people or email them, and tell them my frustrations and they will listen. It makes me feel human. Even small things like a hi or hello does make that different.
I may not have the most successful drag show, nor is it at all packed ALL the time, and really as amazing as that would be, I am seriously content on the things that make me smile and laugh even if for just a moment. I hold the retarded in high regard and for me the sacred is knowing that people tried and gave ten thousand percent of who they are. I'm not perfect, my show isn't perfect it is what it is. Its not that im settling for mediocrity, it's that quite frankly for me, the magic of it all is the knowledge that at 2am when I get into my cab with 8 bucks and a pack of cigs, I know in my heart that this is exactly what I should be doing.