I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map, I knew that some how, I could find my way back...

Lots of death all around, kinda weird. seeing how moments like these place perspective and gratitude within me. I never know how to answer myself sometimes with questions that I ask myself, but at least I know that there is an answer to it. Somehow I am asking myself whether predictability is on my side, like a bastard tumor that you just can't seem to get a handle on.
I feel a little disheveled, a little defeated to be honest. Somehow the maniacal seems more plausible than absurd and my fantasy is becoming more reality. I wish there was a way I could traverse it all, some instantaneous magic whisper I could be.

Inevitable

So I am not exactly much of a writer, nor am I the kind of person that I would imagine ever could put together a "one woman show". You see in all my years of drag, all my years of watching it, doing it, being a part of it, the one woman show was something I never really understood. Maybe being the young and foolish person that I am never really understand the cathartic level that writing a one woman show could be, and only recently have I totally kind of embraced the notion that I could actually, just maybe pull it off.
I must admit I am kind of fearful of undertaking it. It sort of came out as a last minute excuse to fill an empty night and nary had i any idea of what it would be. But thankfully I live in a community filled with great artists, actors, comedians, who somewhat believe in my talent (or lack thereof) maybe the magic is there. Who knows. I'm not trying to be serious. God knows I don't have any real acting skills. SO who really knows what'll happen that tuesday night. I thought I should just preface the show as not to be taken seriously at all, it's an experiment. who knows. it is what it is. So please come on down to Chaser at the EndUp on Tuesday February 16th 2009. I am selling Jello Shots and maybe doing Raffle prizes.
The doors open at 9pm and the show begins at 12am, we have an awesome DJ in the guise of musical genius, Virginia Suicide. So please please come down and check it out

Ten Thousand Percent

I haven't blogged in a while, I feel harsh for neglecting it but here I am again. 3:45am clacking away, listening to Taylor Swift. Nothing new has changed really, I'm still running the most retarded drag show on earth. Although the amount of people we get is now consistent rather than fluctuating, some nights are great, some nights are okay, and I am fine with that. I think the key to all of this is consistency, finding the right balance between everything, and in just a few short months I will be celebrating one year! I really didn't think I would survive this long to be honest, but as it dawned on me today, I need to do this for my own sanity. It's been the one stabilizing force in my life, it seems like lately, I've been prone to some sort of calamity, but Chaser is still there, come hell or high water.
A few months ago, I was perfectly unsure about where I would be. It kind of warped my mind to think that maybe this was who I will be for the rest of my life, just another queen hosting a show, and I felt a little stuck, each day comes easier though, and with every challenge and obstacle I face it seems a little more plausible. I am however grateful for the support system I have now. I like that I can call people or email them, and tell them my frustrations and they will listen. It makes me feel human. Even small things like a hi or hello does make that different.
I may not have the most successful drag show, nor is it at all packed ALL the time, and really as amazing as that would be, I am seriously content on the things that make me smile and laugh even if for just a moment. I hold the retarded in high regard and for me the sacred is knowing that people tried and gave ten thousand percent of who they are. I'm not perfect, my show isn't perfect it is what it is. Its not that im settling for mediocrity, it's that quite frankly for me, the magic of it all is the knowledge that at 2am when I get into my cab with 8 bucks and a pack of cigs, I know in my heart that this is exactly what I should be doing.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I never really grew up celebrating thanksgiving. For whatever its worth, I am thankful for a lot of things. So I will leave it at that and this song for all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving

xx00
m*

Clowns.

"Only clowns would play with those balloons
What d'ya wanna look like Barbie for
Dear oh Lord, it's easy..." - Allison Goldfrapp

I am never one to take the easy road, I felt like I've battled so many people. Sometimes I win, alot of times I loose. But alot of the things I took away from the battle is that it has only made me stronger. When all is said and done, I am still standing, the world is still moving, when the dust settles the magik will happen.

The storms are more worth it surviving on a rocky ship, because at least you can say "I've lived through it."

Somewhere Only We Know.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete"...

4:09 am Tuesday Morning, I feel like I've been here before. The kids are asleep with Stephen in the bed. My hands are covered in Cheetos. The last two weeks have been sort of a thrill ride. Emotions cavalcading into some sort of sick avalanche of the mundane top coated with the sublime. I feel a little overwhelemed with everything, and as much as I love doing it, I loathe myself for doing it.
It's 4:30 am now. I need some rest

good morning

xx00

Take Me Home.

Attempting to go back to Guam has been one of those crazy things I've definitely been putting off for a while. The legal age of drinking is 18, so naturally we all had fake IDs by 14 and have been in blackouts since. For all its beauty, the island is terribly small, and everyone knows everyone, or even worse, they are somehow related to you. I never know what to make of it. I was always the trouble maker, landing myself in crazy situations that I suppose could've been avoided, but my youthful "exuberance" proved otherwise. Going home means alot of mixed emotions for me. It means I have to deal with the reality of the past I do not like to look back on, maybe it's just human condition that we don't like facing what we left. I was the typhoon that no one expected. But how beautiful would it be. In retrospect I feel like I did grow up in paradise. I was spoiled rotten, my back yard was the beach, and I had every luxury. But back then, all I wanted was to leave the damn place, and now ten years later, I think I am primed for a return. I do want to see my grandmother and visit my grandfathers mausoleum and my uncles, and Tommy's. Who would've thought that they would all be buried within proximity of each other...
I remember vividly how beautiful the sunsets and sunrises were. How orange purple and pink all fought and came together to form this beautiful visual. I want to swim in the turqouise green waters I so fondly. Who knows maybe I might get to swim there again.