Take Me Home.

Attempting to go back to Guam has been one of those crazy things I've definitely been putting off for a while. The legal age of drinking is 18, so naturally we all had fake IDs by 14 and have been in blackouts since. For all its beauty, the island is terribly small, and everyone knows everyone, or even worse, they are somehow related to you. I never know what to make of it. I was always the trouble maker, landing myself in crazy situations that I suppose could've been avoided, but my youthful "exuberance" proved otherwise. Going home means alot of mixed emotions for me. It means I have to deal with the reality of the past I do not like to look back on, maybe it's just human condition that we don't like facing what we left. I was the typhoon that no one expected. But how beautiful would it be. In retrospect I feel like I did grow up in paradise. I was spoiled rotten, my back yard was the beach, and I had every luxury. But back then, all I wanted was to leave the damn place, and now ten years later, I think I am primed for a return. I do want to see my grandmother and visit my grandfathers mausoleum and my uncles, and Tommy's. Who would've thought that they would all be buried within proximity of each other...
I remember vividly how beautiful the sunsets and sunrises were. How orange purple and pink all fought and came together to form this beautiful visual. I want to swim in the turqouise green waters I so fondly. Who knows maybe I might get to swim there again.

"All those moments, will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..."

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite all time movies, BLADERUNNER...
Sometimes I totally wish I was a robot. The lines uttered from Rutger Hauers lips in his death scene speaks so much volumes. The scene itself is pretty epic, his icy blue eyes covered in blood being washed off with the dripping rain (although I didn't think androids bleed). I am a nerd, a big one at that, and yes I love Bladerunner, the Sci-Fi epic set in like 2001 Los Angeles, a bunch of rebel androids running around, and of course Rachel and Pris. I don't know which one I like more, Rachel or Pris. I think I am more of a Rachel.
I slept all day today, not unlike the replicants of bladerunner I felt cold and unemotional. I spent the whole day in bed dreaming of possibilities, wandering off into some estranged horizon where everything veers into some crazy incapacitated and prolonged vision of beauty. Shadows through the light, peonies through cracks in the wall. Somehow I wanted to stay in that insouciant place, cold and untouchable, where fear doesnt pervade any emotion but just and nothing lingers more than fleeting glances of uncovered dreams.
I dreamt of passageways covered with jasmine and plumerias leading nowhere and everywhere, nothing and everything black and white, submission and domination.

This tuesday at CHASER is our tribute to the ladies of Electro. Electro-Pop has been such a big influence on my life over the past 5 years, and I think its quite apropos for Leatherweek since Electronic music is such a huge part of the SOMA/leather scene. Also, we have the distinct honor of being included as an official event listed this year! I am so proud of the girls though, alot of them are really turning the town on its bedecked heel churning out amazing performances, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week! It's such a great time to be in San Francisco to live the dream. Sometimes I do feel the challenge of churning out a show week after week but I think Chaser is more a testament. I did recieve a really nasty letter from a patron berating me about every small detail, and I can't really respond, part me just wants to grab him from his computer and gouge his eyes out, but really I can't respond. I can't help that drinks are expensive, I can't help if the trannys that do go are not interested in you, it's really not MY issue if they find you unattractive. I'm not divas, we don't have "working girls" who come in. We have respectable ladies who like a good time, and wonderful queens who put on a good show. The drinks being so expensive is out of my control. I don't take those kinds of things seriously enough, BUT in all actually, I have decided to finally FINALLY lower the cover charge to $5 which means there won't be any more guestlists at all, free or whatever, $5 bucks in a recession IS NOT ALOT to ask for is it? I'm not attempting to do anything grand at all, CHASER is what it is, its simply a drag show. I mean what was I expected to do shit out a diamond! I do however think that the girls really give everyone a show the numbers are heartfelt, earnest and honest, they are giving you everything they can on that stage, and that to me means alot more than anything really.
So thats all of my ranting for now, I hope you follow! Starting OCTOBER 6 cover charge is officially $5 come by and enjoy the show love!

I believe in You.

4am again. In and out passing through passing here, passing there. I had a very interesting day today. I'm a little bit excited for tonight's Kylie Night at CHASER. Then off to the next show which is our FOLSOM show. I guess I have to solve the problem of not having a computer by actually hand doing the fliers, I mean it would be terrible not to have actual fliers for two of my biggest shows of the year. I am considering changing the theme of my birthday show, to do GoldFrapp rather than the Blade Runner. I just feel at this point in time, as much as I would love to do something big and grand like Blade Runner, not alot of people will get it, and I would rather have a packed house for my birthday than something minimal like Blade Runner which would have to be some sort of major production with tons of characters, actual lighting and some fierce videos. Next year, it will have to happen sometime! So far I've paid tribute to alot of my favorite artists, we've had stunning performances from some of my favorite queens, in the coming months CHASER is going to do a flip turn and try and do things that are a little off the cuff and maybe a little more conceptual Like the Julia Child Tribute night, and "HUNG" with two of lovely drag king friends Jay Walker and Delicio Del Toro! I am also super excited to reunite with Dabecy and Papa Tony of the Electronic Music Bears to do our Halloween Spooktacular which will be co-hosted by my favorite retarded whore... "DOWNEY"! So I guess we have alot of great shows coming up and our attendance is picking up more and more by the week, hopefully they keep coming back!
Folsom Street Fair is in a couple of weeks I am a little excited and a little frightened, I have so many looks to pull together, Thursday is the formal dinner, Saturday is the SS Trannyshack Boat Cruise and Magnitude, and of course if I haven't reminded you yet, I am co-hosting the 7th Street Stage on Folsom Sunday from 11:30am - 2:30pm, SO i am super excited and a little nerve racked, that is why the week after, I am taking a little break from hostessing duties and letting the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence take over for a night to raise some much needed cash for the Transgender Law Center. It is going to be hosted by Sister Mable Syrup and Sister Viva L'Amour two dear friends of mine, who I really felt needed more. and more. and more. and more. etc. etc.
Hopefully I will have saved up enough energy for the next week (and figure out what I will be doing), this will be my first CHASER birthday, I am a tad terrified but whatever, you've got to march on and do!
Anyway thats it for now. Have a good morning

xx00
m*

Goodnight & Go.

As you may have noticed, alot of my blogs are heavily influenced by alternative, indie, pre-emo music of the 90s and early 2000s. Alot of my late childhood was spent in my bedroom jamming to the Cranberries, Greenday and TLC. As a teenager, if I wasn't obsessed with sketching out fashion designs, or watching Gone With the Wind and Sex and the City, I was listening to Frou Frou, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Killers and Modest Mouse. In my early 20s if I wasn't out getting high or watching the O.C. or Dynasty reruns on soapnet, I was all about the new wave of electronic pop music that seemed to have been all the rage! 
Growing up I always fancied myself to become a Fellini type of movie star, always in sepia tone, saying the right things, jumping in fountains. When I was 15 I went to Italy, and partied on the Via Veneto and Piazza San Marco, it was so beautiful, I felt like I was really living a dream. Although I never really imagined that I would be doing drag in San Francisco. It was a far fetched idea. 
I grew up living on an estate around the beach, it was incredibly beautiful. The old house was mediterranean style, and my bedroom had the most amazing view. I used to watch the sunsets. Growing up on an island was such a blessing and a curse. We were always subject to Typhoons (that is what Hurricanes are called on the other side of the Pacific Ocean) and that was bad, luckily we had powerful generators, because sometimes the power would be out for months. Everyone always said Guam had tons of snakes, and I encountered a snake like once or twice. One dead one on the beach, and one dying that got caught trying to crawl up my bedroom window through the bouganvilla vines that covered the walls of the house. There tons of palm trees and coconut trees by the beach and the sand was always white with turqouise blue waters. When it rained during the May and June months, I always opened the windows, I loved the way the Jasmine smelled in the damp wet day. It's always surprising to me when I look back and never really liked the fact that I lived in the middle of nowhere, but in retrospect, it's the most beautiful place in the world and wouldn't trade a damn thing. 
The first true love I ever had lived on the compound next to us. You never really forget the first one. I remember the first kiss. A screenwriter couldn't have written it better. The sky was shades of deep purple, pink and orange, kind of melded together and it happened. I was so young. At that age, you think everything is love. But I guess I was in love. I always had a thing of guys with dark hair and piercing eyes, like the eyes that cut you and melt you with one look (even now my Stephen has piercing blue eyes.
There is some part of me that wants to go back, and some part of me that is a little more hesitant about revisiting that. I've been thinking about my childhood alot, I guess it's a total quarterlife crises that I am going through. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I'm downright terrified. I always thought I was only going to live till the age of thirty. But it seems it might be longer than that. I've canceled all major plans for a huge birthday bash. Why? You may ask.. it's because I feel like the older I get, the less I have to prove to myself or to anyone. Maybe I'll cook some dinner for some friends who I just want over for a simple nice chat. Nothing too fancy really. I've had tons of fancy birthday parties over the years and if there was a chance to throw a huge birthday party it would've been last year. Who knows. Who cares. I've been such a party person, that maybe a little peace and quiet and maybe something a little more intimate would be best. Besides I already have the best present, a supportive and loving man at my side, two wonderful cats, and a fun party everyweek. Although maybe a nice vacation is in order for me. I was thinking an outdoor dinner, but who has a patio big enough for me to celebrate in. Low key is most definitely the key phrase, and I want to keep it that way, I can have all the other 300 people come to CHASER the tuesday after, if they really wanted to celebrate. 




xx00
m*

I SHOULDVE DIED!

No it's really not as dramatic as the title! I posted a promo video for the new NBC series Trauma which I have totally been filming all week with a bunch of other SF Queens! Spoiler alert, I don't die, infact I get rescued and Monistat lives to see another day! I wish I can say the same for my feet! After four grueling and extensive days of shooting scenes around the Polk Area - which I find highly ironic, and I'll tell you why later, our shoot is FINALLY FINALLY done!
I wasn't anticipating waking up at 5:00am Tuesday morning to put on drag for a 7:00am Call time. But none the less I managed to live even though I had performed at Tiara Sensation the night before. Needless to say the first day was a little retarded because I spent most of the day sitting down, standing up, sitting down, waiting, and waiting and waiting. But whatver, I had the outlook of, at least I'm getting paid to sit and be fierce! That was the same for most of the filming, it was more or less about sitting down and standing up etc. I think there was at a point I just waited for like 7 hours. It was definitely a treat for me to hang out with queens who I don't normally get to see on a normal basis, like Peggy L'Eggs, Holotta Tymes and Donna Sachet which was such a blast. And it was an even bigger treat to see Heklina almost get killed. Key word being ALMOST!
I must say even though it was completely tiring and the maxim of the ever unpredictable SF Summer Weather was really bogging me ( The first day of shooting it was about 90 Degrees Farenheit, the last day of shooting it was 54 degrees) it was most definitely a rewarding experience. I was happy with my screen time, and quite frankly the appeal of being on a professional movie set, and seeing how they did things was a treat! I love the technical aspect of it all, and had managed to wander in on the camera vans where they kept all the equipment and got to see how things really take shape. I am curious to see how they all manage to edit everything in the end. It should be quite interesting! I am thankful that Stephen has been so supportive these past few days, he has been so incredibly supportive and I am so thankful that was around to help me go through the ordeal!
On to other news, CHASER is still going strong after four months! I am not ready to throw in the towel at all, and each show seems to be some wild practice in emotional restraint! This past tuesday, I handed the reigns of the show to two of my girl-friends Chastity Belle and Honey Mahogany, in a crazy experiment of mine! I will admit I did have a slight melt down when my resident DJ called me and told me that they wanted to start the show at 11pm instead of usual 12 Midnight time slot! IM NOT MOVING times around! and then I was told through text that there were 9 numbers that night! Sleep deprived and not very lucid, I hauled ass to the EndUp to see what was really going on, it seems that the ladies handled everything well, and the show turned out to be one of the most endearing shows, and the caliber of the performers were amazing!
So tonight is CHASER vs. HYP, the team up with Club 8 on Folsom! It should be exciting, the first Chaser vs. Hyp was really great. Although I am all of a sudden not feeling like DJing, but maybe I'll just do a number and walk around be fabulous. we shall see. but who knows right? Then this tuesday at Chaser we have 5 Songs That Make You Cry, hosted by someone very dear to me, MuthaChucka! Then who knows. I am very over dragged right now!
I went trolling around for jobs online, but it seems that alot of the jobs that I want to do are not in San Francisco. I am listening to some awesome Annie Lennox right now, and that was soothing me to a soft lull. Anyway hope to see you, thanks for reading have a great morning!

The High Road!

Sometimes, I totally just feel like clawing peoples eyes out, I really do, I am not going to lie about, I want to so badly, and in as much as I want to do that, I can't. Yesterday morning I blogged about the absolute virtues of running my tuesday night show, and I want to continue that. Tonight's show was UH may Zing. So many people came out to see some great people do their thing on stage and be themselves. I was so happy! The music was insanely amazing! I was totally blown away! I really have to count my blessings  and remain grateful for the people that surround me. 

With that said. I feel the need to defend myself. The Miss Grrrrl Pageant was a study in patience in understanding. I never really understood why I didn't have any problems with the drag queens of the Miss $1.98 Pageant. But after tonight, I just felt like I was getting skewered. Its hard to do a weekly show, coming up with themes, doing the fliers, promoting, dealing with egos, dealing with the anxiety of whether people will show up or not, and whether or not the night is going to be a hit. Even at the last moments before the show people had dropped out. I am thankful for the talented men and ladies that did manage to pull through and give a show. Its all people want, is a show! The difficulty in finding contestants was my first obstacle it was really difficult. But for people to say that my lack of preparation is what made the show flawed I think is terribly unfair. I do this on my own, with rarely any help from anyone week after week. I stay up late doing fliers, I do all the email blasts, with little help from anyone at all, sometimes it pains me to even ask friends on facebook to repost my events for me. Its a learning process. I have poured my heart and my soul into this show, it consumes me. I am baffled at people who come to the show with such a negative outlook. WHY even come? Why bother? I didnt force you to come? Im not forcing you to watch the show. You try doing it. Sometimes I feel that I can never win, but I guess thats what this is all about. 

I'm only doing the best I can, and if that is not good enough then you can leave. I've spent alot of my earlier drag days trying to fight that insane mentality that I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't artsy enough or whatever reason, and now that I am starting to get comfortable in my own skin, I find it incredibly necessary to say what I feel.  Initially I was incredibly hesitant about writing this last blog, but now its not just a necessary evil I actually feel really good about it! Tonights pageant was a success in my eyes and to the eyes of those involved who actually worked their butts off making this happen! It was fun, it was retarded and now before I go to bed, I am asking myself... where did the toblerone end up? 

Alright Already!

I know I havent been exactly up to date with blogging. It's 4:12am, and I really can't sleep at all most days now, alot of things are on my mind lately. I am happy and living a content life with a wonderful boyfriend, two wonderful cats and my party that happens on tuesday nights. I know I know I'm always promoting something or other, but I don't think alot of people realize how hard it is to do a weekly club on Tuesday nights of all things, I can only think of one other person. The past few months have been a true test of my character, who would've thought that at 25 I would be producing my own party? I don't think this is what my parents exactly envisioned for me, but whatever. Sometimes we take the path others really don't take, and to be honest with you ever since I was kid, I've never really seen myself as someone who can sit behind a desk and push buttons all day. AT LEAST now I am doing what I love, and throwing a party on my own terms. Alot of this has to do with my experiences at Trannyshack and Charlie Horse, and learning all the lessons I did! It does come in more handy now. I am slowly learning to become more diplomatic about my approach to certain situations and heed the advice of those who have come before me. The party seems to be growing and my audience seems to like what I am doing.

When the idea popped into my head about this four months ago, I really had no clue what I was doing or getting myself into. Luckily I have an insanely supportive boyfriend who sticks by me and my decisions and the support of a great team of people where I do the party at. I really wasn't gunning for a week day party, much less something that happened on a Tuesday night. 

Believe me I spent many sleepless and listless nights much like tonight cowering and thinking about the party. My first thought was not a Tuesday drag show, but maybe something over the weekend. Thankfully Sydney (one of the owners of the EndUp) steered me into tuesday nights. I knew and understood the legacy of the tuesday night drag show in SF, I was part of it for a brief period of time, much less fathoming the institution that is the EndUp. So alot of this was all new to me, even though I've been part of the scene for awhile now. I just had to keep in my mind, that everything has been done already, I cannot re invent the wheel, I could not be pretentious about it and just own the fact that yes I like drag shows, and yes it is on a Tuesday night, but so what, I wasn't out to do or recreate a storied past, I just wanted to do someting I felt comfortable with and listen to the music I liked, at an environment I helped foster. And as much as I like the Stud, a) I wasn't going to do something there knowing full well the legacy of that stage and b) I wanted to start with something fresh, a clean slate if you will, with something to build MY own legacy with and not ride on the coat tales of years ago. Little did I know the insane ride I am in for!

It's such a weird conundrum, a long battle of trial and errors. And yes I still get incredibly nervous about it alot, espescially every tuesday at around 15 minutes before the show, I go nuts! Again, someting I am grateful for is the people I work with. My doormen Andres and Ivan really put up with alot from me, and DJ Dann Edmond and Guy Ruben who deal with my insanity from the DJ booth is seriously a saint, and then there are the ladies, who continue to stand by my side and keep wanting to perform at my show. I mean of course there such a bevy of creativity in the city what with the whole recession kind of forcing people to rethink their agendas since most of them are now unemployed. It's almost like back to basics. 

In retrospect Chaser has been so much of a blessing to me. It gives me an outlet to be creative, and having to think on my feet constantly, it sharpens the knives so to speak. It's always trial and error, touch and go. But I am slowly building myself back up slowly. It's kind of pyschological as much as I deny it, it really is. It's a total practice in humility and turning things over, things I don't have any control of. It's daunting at times, but I just have to really keep forging on and doing what I do, not because I have to, but because I love what I'm doing. Thank you for reading

xx00

m*