Happy Thanksgiving.

I never really grew up celebrating thanksgiving. For whatever its worth, I am thankful for a lot of things. So I will leave it at that and this song for all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving

xx00
m*

Clowns.

"Only clowns would play with those balloons
What d'ya wanna look like Barbie for
Dear oh Lord, it's easy..." - Allison Goldfrapp

I am never one to take the easy road, I felt like I've battled so many people. Sometimes I win, alot of times I loose. But alot of the things I took away from the battle is that it has only made me stronger. When all is said and done, I am still standing, the world is still moving, when the dust settles the magik will happen.

The storms are more worth it surviving on a rocky ship, because at least you can say "I've lived through it."

Somewhere Only We Know.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete"...

4:09 am Tuesday Morning, I feel like I've been here before. The kids are asleep with Stephen in the bed. My hands are covered in Cheetos. The last two weeks have been sort of a thrill ride. Emotions cavalcading into some sort of sick avalanche of the mundane top coated with the sublime. I feel a little overwhelemed with everything, and as much as I love doing it, I loathe myself for doing it.
It's 4:30 am now. I need some rest

good morning

xx00

Take Me Home.

Attempting to go back to Guam has been one of those crazy things I've definitely been putting off for a while. The legal age of drinking is 18, so naturally we all had fake IDs by 14 and have been in blackouts since. For all its beauty, the island is terribly small, and everyone knows everyone, or even worse, they are somehow related to you. I never know what to make of it. I was always the trouble maker, landing myself in crazy situations that I suppose could've been avoided, but my youthful "exuberance" proved otherwise. Going home means alot of mixed emotions for me. It means I have to deal with the reality of the past I do not like to look back on, maybe it's just human condition that we don't like facing what we left. I was the typhoon that no one expected. But how beautiful would it be. In retrospect I feel like I did grow up in paradise. I was spoiled rotten, my back yard was the beach, and I had every luxury. But back then, all I wanted was to leave the damn place, and now ten years later, I think I am primed for a return. I do want to see my grandmother and visit my grandfathers mausoleum and my uncles, and Tommy's. Who would've thought that they would all be buried within proximity of each other...
I remember vividly how beautiful the sunsets and sunrises were. How orange purple and pink all fought and came together to form this beautiful visual. I want to swim in the turqouise green waters I so fondly. Who knows maybe I might get to swim there again.

Don't Rain On My Parade.

This blog is dedicated to my Stephen. The man I wake up to every morning, and the man that holds me when I go to bed. The first thing I wan't to see in the morning, and the man I kiss before I go to bed. I love my Stephen, more than anything. I have slowly come to realize this. He stands by me, so much, through every pitfall through every single nuance that is my life. He is not in the scene, and pretty much doesn't go out, which is what I like. Sometimes (like today) I ask myself why, but then I wake up and realize what a blessed person I am to have him in my life. I am grateful. He makes me a better person. He makes me stronger, and with the love we share. I couldn't be anymore thankful in the world

xx00
m*

Date With A Night.

Do you ever just find yourself at 4am smoking the last Marlboro Ultra Lights 100, sipping on bourbon and watching your kitties sleep? Okay maybe not, that is just me right now. It's 4:06am and as usual I can never just lay down and go to bed. Maybe I have too many things in my mind right now to just lay down. I am serious insomniac, I guess it was alot more fun when I was in my teens and early twenties, stay out all night, party hard, you know that kind of shit. But since turning 26 and realizing that I actually have to step into my adulthood I find so many things much more difficult. I feel a little bit more responsible. Like not flaking on things I commit to and not being as demanding of myself, even a little more forgiving! It was so easy for me to cause the kind of mayhem I did in my early twenties, I needed that constant validation and now I find myself less and less attached to that kind of adulation. I do things now, because it is what I want to do, and not because I'm doing it for something in return. I've stopped expecting so much of every situation and just take it for what it is. I'm learning to jump more, and take risks, I feel that I have lost alot already, and what else is there for me to loose, it's just impetus for me to work harder on things I want to achieve.
I went to go watch "Where The Wild Things Are" tonight with Stephen. It was such an emotionfest for me, it brought back so many feelings of me as a kid, trying to capture something but realizing that maybe the reality is just bad, and finding ways to escape. Like Max, I found alot of ways to escape my reality. Growing up by yourself however spoiled is not an easy thing. But again, its one of those things I've learned to let go.
I feel blessed and grateful to be surrounded by a community of artists, who continually create, and thrive on creativity and pushing themselves to perfection. I feel that it is always good to move things forward, and never look back on what is missing, and what is not there, rather fill that void, and create the niche. Theres so many wonderful things to be grateful for, and rather than be spiteful about what I don't have, now more than ever, I am looking at things from a different angle.

We Should Be Home By Now!

Sometimes a lady just has to learn. When you have nothing else to loose, you willing to fight for everything tooth and nail. There are certain things I hold true to myself now more than ever. Love, passion, glamour, sacrifice. I surround myself with people who hold these truths. They are always consistently striving for perfection through imperfection in whatever they do, and as such is somewhat a reflection of who I really am. It is not whether I draw from experiences my strengths, but a realization of growth, and that beauty is not what is always in the surface, but deeper and more meaningful. I find beauty in flaw because for me, flaws are what makes us human.
The truth of the matter is, I don't get political, that is not my style. Infact I've spent the last five years not trying to get political. I have opinions on matters, but I feel that my time is better spent doing, rather than acting. Don't get me wrong, I get really upset whenever I hear that some sort of gay rights thing is being abused, or gay bashing is happening, but I've spent my life fighting people like that through actions, be myself and enjoy my life. I can't spend my life going on and on and on about Gay Rights. I can't change the way people think, so I'll just live my life and my own business.
I am however a fighter, and I always fight for people and things I believe in, and I will fight to the death for my family, my husband and the kitties. It's kind of retarded growing up an only child. I always spent alot of running away. I've never really had that kind of family. But now I do, I've created me own, and I'm in a much better, and happier place than I've ever really been in a really long time!