Liebestraum (love dream)

For me, this whole hooha about the rapture and the end of the world, simply meant journeys, and conjectures we take to get from A to B; a simple sojourn to move us to where we finally need to be at. 

The Jig of Life.

Lately, I've been incredibly perturbed by the way I handle relationships. Relationship with friends, relationships with lovers, relationships with people. I am sitting here at 2am blogging about it, so obvi it must be bothering me. I tend to push people away, espescially people I like alot. I'll find ways to sabotage even myself so that they don't get close enough to know what I really feel.
I've been exploring more emotions lately, how to feel pain, how to feel love, how to feel passion. Somehow it all feels surreal to me still but never the less its still daunting. I'm rambling, I'm drunk and I'm going to bed. <3

Sad Songs (Say So Much).

Maybe I am tackling something new and deranged, maybe I am inspired by something more than I can tackle, but here we go. My friend Roy over at Truck offered me one night to do anything I want, of course someone as crazy as me would say yes, thinking that I would have this covered and I'd get all creative. I am going to stage another one woman show. This time taking a different slant from the last one where I do complete drag standards from Etta James to Barbra Streisand to Della Reese and Broadway Musicals. I am aiming to create a cohesive story line, an actual complete multimedia experience with video and sets and props and stuff to tell something different that popped into my mind at 6 this evening while sewing a new dress. Fleshing concepts out has never been a strong point for me, but hey im always up for a good challenge right, and get this it's all set to Elton John songs. WHY? because he's a big gay icon and i love my big gay icons, his music is iconic, everyone knows it, you either like it or you don't. I grew up listening to his music and you cant help but sing along when you hear one. 

I've always been a fan, so I say why not try something different and step outside of my comfort zone a little and challenge myself into a different direction. Who knows it just might work out!  In writing the storyline though, I wanted to take the route of art imitates life imitates art kinda feel about a lady cabaret singer who is in search of love, finally finds it but because of her circumstances (being that she's a man, really) the man can't fall inlove with her again torch song leit motif of unrequited love and then what perfect icon to give this tran a voice but Sir Elton, a big nelly gay who is in search of love. 

Visually I am going for more of a visconti or  wong kar wai film. I'm filming alot of this in my bedroom and Chinatown, and maybe a nightclub here or there somewhere.

Psychologically im trying to break out of this rut im in and it's a little therapeutic to explore the psyche of a mirror image of myself basically. Always hunting for it in the wrong places. Maybe this is my ultimate Torch Song?

So I hope you can join me for this fun ride as I give you. "Monistat: In The Mood for Love"

You're Beautiful!

I had a lovely day today, at first what seemed like absolute disparity with the rain and the soggy ground, I didn't think today's Easter in the Park would be Easter at the Park but rather the Rec Center, where they normally hold the annual baccahnal in the event that it rains. I had blast hosting with Muthachuka and Holly from the Deco (surprisingly enough I had never met her before), and as always the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence put on a great event!

Here are a few highlights of my day:

Mitchell Koonce winning the Easter Bonnet Contest:

image by: Rich Stadtmiller

All these people were watching in rapt attention as I was going on about my tawdry tales of sex at dolores park:



And then of course being Sainted by the San Francisco Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which came as a great and tremendous unexpected surprise from left field. I never thought that it would happen, who am I to be sainted really? Some things you never really comprehend because its kind of bigger than me and I really can't wrap my head around it. Other drag saints who have come before me are people like Anna Conda, Juanita MORE! even Heklina -- people who do amazing things for their community. It was a shock because it was a form of validation that I never expected, but at the same time it's alot more meaningful because of that same reason, and as the queen who never really wins anything it felt nice to be recognized. I was sainted alongside MuthaChucka and the dude that started the first LGBT College in the country! So thank you Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence for granting me this honor and allowing me to be a steward of community and of course San Francisco, where even a total freakshow like me can become a saint!

xx00
m*

Adagietto.

I sit late night often, due to insomnia, and I just let my mind wander through vasts fileds of thoughts. This night is no different. At times I find the best way is to just ask myself, how could I have done things differently. Nevertheless the answer is incredibly simple and straight forward. I can't, and I won't.


xx00
m*

Yellow.

The title of this has clearly nothing to do with the fact that I am asian. It refers to the coldplay song that I've adored since I was a teenager. Alot of things going on lately with me.
I recently ran for empress of San Francisco, which I lost, but even then not a total disappointment. I learned alot, and quite frankly it was one of the best things I could've ever done. Nothing can take away the experience of stomping in pink silk and a giant organza cape in the pouring rain. The only real sadness I have about the whole thing was the fact that I got skewered for no reason. But whatever as a friend who ran for politics told me, the minute you put yourself out there, they're going to come for you at every angle. In the end, in my heart I won because I have achieved more than I could ever achieve, I earned respect and that's the most important thing to me that no title or money can take away.

Pink Organza Hooded Cape by Mr. David. Make Up by Phatima/Lee Rude. Picture by Arturo Gucci Guevarra.

Im still in my fabulous apartment, although I find myself incredibly cluttered, not as bad as before but still cluttered. I really do like where I live. I'm going to make a serious effort to hang out more with my roomate though. I'm just trying to figure out what he's into as far as doing things, he seems like a great guy I just rarely do see him.

Definitely gearing up for another great summer in the city. It's April and with spring comes alot of new beginnings fo me. Alot of unexpected arenas I have found myself tapping into. I find myself being a little bit more comfortable with where I am in life. I'm not happy, I'm not sad either I'm just content and quite frankly I'm okay with that, if I can manage to pay my rent, and feed myself then im okay. I cant wish for the best nor hope for anything more because I will get disappointed, and lately I've found myself less jaded and less cynical than previous. Im able to confront issues that bother me, and I'm definitely more able to let go of things I find less important. I treasure loyalty and value the strength of a good friendship more than anything, and I just don't feel the necessity to embattle myself with too much negative emotions or feelings, because clearly what is the point?

Being single for a little over a year now, my ex and I have really become great friends. I find myself trusting him more and opening up to him more than when we were together and that makes me happy, I call him alot, and I can be around him more, he's such a great man and I'm sure who ever he ends up with he will make extremely happy, I was lucky to share my life with him and now continue to share my life with him in a very different capacity.
Well that's it I guess nothing really more important to say in this post. Maybe I'll update you on a little someone special, but for now it's too soon to tell!

xx00

ADVENTURAMA.

Anyways. New Things. New Look. New Year. New Apartment.
Went on a shitty date tonight, but whatever, the world moves on. I often find it funny that sometimes I lower my standards for the sake of validation from other fags, I am slowly starting to realize that maybe that is such a shitty mistake, and will probably never lower my standards again. But come to think of it, as fags we're always driven by sex, and the act of the conquest rather than the solution. That is why adam4adam and gay bars exist, I guess, the thrill of the hunt. Sometimes I find that the orgasm lies in the hunt rather than catching what I need to catch, surprising no? I just like the chase, the thought of the action rather.
In San Francisco gays are a dime dozen, and after dating in this city for most of my 20s I am slowly starting to realize that maybe you will never find the real deal here? At the same token sometimes true love does exist.
Alright whatever moving on... New Apartment in the Pacific Heights Neighborhood of things. HUGE. only set back is the carpet! Im beginning to despise it. I hate vacuums! New roomate is absolutely adorable STRAIGHT european man with a girlfriend. Space has kitchen, common room, and my HUGE ass bedroom all for a little under 900. No closet space though, which is kind of the thing that is pissing me off, cause if you know me, you should understand that I have ALOT of clothes.. too much.. I might have a sale around spring, and donate the rest. Sad but true. Hopefully this situation works out! BUT i am excited. Irony of it all is its across the church where I used to go to ALL of my AA meetings weird.
I'll tell you about my new job later. Things are finally starting to get there.. slowly but surely right?

xx00