Don't Rain On My Parade.

This blog is dedicated to my Stephen. The man I wake up to every morning, and the man that holds me when I go to bed. The first thing I wan't to see in the morning, and the man I kiss before I go to bed. I love my Stephen, more than anything. I have slowly come to realize this. He stands by me, so much, through every pitfall through every single nuance that is my life. He is not in the scene, and pretty much doesn't go out, which is what I like. Sometimes (like today) I ask myself why, but then I wake up and realize what a blessed person I am to have him in my life. I am grateful. He makes me a better person. He makes me stronger, and with the love we share. I couldn't be anymore thankful in the world

xx00
m*

Date With A Night.

Do you ever just find yourself at 4am smoking the last Marlboro Ultra Lights 100, sipping on bourbon and watching your kitties sleep? Okay maybe not, that is just me right now. It's 4:06am and as usual I can never just lay down and go to bed. Maybe I have too many things in my mind right now to just lay down. I am serious insomniac, I guess it was alot more fun when I was in my teens and early twenties, stay out all night, party hard, you know that kind of shit. But since turning 26 and realizing that I actually have to step into my adulthood I find so many things much more difficult. I feel a little bit more responsible. Like not flaking on things I commit to and not being as demanding of myself, even a little more forgiving! It was so easy for me to cause the kind of mayhem I did in my early twenties, I needed that constant validation and now I find myself less and less attached to that kind of adulation. I do things now, because it is what I want to do, and not because I'm doing it for something in return. I've stopped expecting so much of every situation and just take it for what it is. I'm learning to jump more, and take risks, I feel that I have lost alot already, and what else is there for me to loose, it's just impetus for me to work harder on things I want to achieve.
I went to go watch "Where The Wild Things Are" tonight with Stephen. It was such an emotionfest for me, it brought back so many feelings of me as a kid, trying to capture something but realizing that maybe the reality is just bad, and finding ways to escape. Like Max, I found alot of ways to escape my reality. Growing up by yourself however spoiled is not an easy thing. But again, its one of those things I've learned to let go.
I feel blessed and grateful to be surrounded by a community of artists, who continually create, and thrive on creativity and pushing themselves to perfection. I feel that it is always good to move things forward, and never look back on what is missing, and what is not there, rather fill that void, and create the niche. Theres so many wonderful things to be grateful for, and rather than be spiteful about what I don't have, now more than ever, I am looking at things from a different angle.

We Should Be Home By Now!

Sometimes a lady just has to learn. When you have nothing else to loose, you willing to fight for everything tooth and nail. There are certain things I hold true to myself now more than ever. Love, passion, glamour, sacrifice. I surround myself with people who hold these truths. They are always consistently striving for perfection through imperfection in whatever they do, and as such is somewhat a reflection of who I really am. It is not whether I draw from experiences my strengths, but a realization of growth, and that beauty is not what is always in the surface, but deeper and more meaningful. I find beauty in flaw because for me, flaws are what makes us human.
The truth of the matter is, I don't get political, that is not my style. Infact I've spent the last five years not trying to get political. I have opinions on matters, but I feel that my time is better spent doing, rather than acting. Don't get me wrong, I get really upset whenever I hear that some sort of gay rights thing is being abused, or gay bashing is happening, but I've spent my life fighting people like that through actions, be myself and enjoy my life. I can't spend my life going on and on and on about Gay Rights. I can't change the way people think, so I'll just live my life and my own business.
I am however a fighter, and I always fight for people and things I believe in, and I will fight to the death for my family, my husband and the kitties. It's kind of retarded growing up an only child. I always spent alot of running away. I've never really had that kind of family. But now I do, I've created me own, and I'm in a much better, and happier place than I've ever really been in a really long time!

Journey To The Center Of My Heart.

Love. Actually.
I've felt really lost alot these days, have had more anxiety attacks than normal. Hopefully writing will exorcise some sort of demon that I seem to be holding on to. For whatever reason maybe I feel just a little trapped. At 26 I feel like still there is more meant for me, maybe I should try not to force it and just let things happen. I tend to want to rush things which a seriously bad habit of mine. I should just count my blessings and be grateful, because I am. Sometimes I would love to just leave my body and get out of my skin for moments, it seems impossible though and only some sort of wish. GAHHH. Why am I airing out my dirty laundry to the public. I'm feeling the pang of wanderlust again, like I feel like I should take to the open road and not worry about anything. Who knows right?
That's all I really have to say for now
have a good night. or morning or whatever!

xx00
m*

"All those moments, will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..."

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite all time movies, BLADERUNNER...
Sometimes I totally wish I was a robot. The lines uttered from Rutger Hauers lips in his death scene speaks so much volumes. The scene itself is pretty epic, his icy blue eyes covered in blood being washed off with the dripping rain (although I didn't think androids bleed). I am a nerd, a big one at that, and yes I love Bladerunner, the Sci-Fi epic set in like 2001 Los Angeles, a bunch of rebel androids running around, and of course Rachel and Pris. I don't know which one I like more, Rachel or Pris. I think I am more of a Rachel.
I slept all day today, not unlike the replicants of bladerunner I felt cold and unemotional. I spent the whole day in bed dreaming of possibilities, wandering off into some estranged horizon where everything veers into some crazy incapacitated and prolonged vision of beauty. Shadows through the light, peonies through cracks in the wall. Somehow I wanted to stay in that insouciant place, cold and untouchable, where fear doesnt pervade any emotion but just and nothing lingers more than fleeting glances of uncovered dreams.
I dreamt of passageways covered with jasmine and plumerias leading nowhere and everywhere, nothing and everything black and white, submission and domination.

This tuesday at CHASER is our tribute to the ladies of Electro. Electro-Pop has been such a big influence on my life over the past 5 years, and I think its quite apropos for Leatherweek since Electronic music is such a huge part of the SOMA/leather scene. Also, we have the distinct honor of being included as an official event listed this year! I am so proud of the girls though, alot of them are really turning the town on its bedecked heel churning out amazing performances, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week! It's such a great time to be in San Francisco to live the dream. Sometimes I do feel the challenge of churning out a show week after week but I think Chaser is more a testament. I did recieve a really nasty letter from a patron berating me about every small detail, and I can't really respond, part me just wants to grab him from his computer and gouge his eyes out, but really I can't respond. I can't help that drinks are expensive, I can't help if the trannys that do go are not interested in you, it's really not MY issue if they find you unattractive. I'm not divas, we don't have "working girls" who come in. We have respectable ladies who like a good time, and wonderful queens who put on a good show. The drinks being so expensive is out of my control. I don't take those kinds of things seriously enough, BUT in all actually, I have decided to finally FINALLY lower the cover charge to $5 which means there won't be any more guestlists at all, free or whatever, $5 bucks in a recession IS NOT ALOT to ask for is it? I'm not attempting to do anything grand at all, CHASER is what it is, its simply a drag show. I mean what was I expected to do shit out a diamond! I do however think that the girls really give everyone a show the numbers are heartfelt, earnest and honest, they are giving you everything they can on that stage, and that to me means alot more than anything really.
So thats all of my ranting for now, I hope you follow! Starting OCTOBER 6 cover charge is officially $5 come by and enjoy the show love!

I believe in You.

4am again. In and out passing through passing here, passing there. I had a very interesting day today. I'm a little bit excited for tonight's Kylie Night at CHASER. Then off to the next show which is our FOLSOM show. I guess I have to solve the problem of not having a computer by actually hand doing the fliers, I mean it would be terrible not to have actual fliers for two of my biggest shows of the year. I am considering changing the theme of my birthday show, to do GoldFrapp rather than the Blade Runner. I just feel at this point in time, as much as I would love to do something big and grand like Blade Runner, not alot of people will get it, and I would rather have a packed house for my birthday than something minimal like Blade Runner which would have to be some sort of major production with tons of characters, actual lighting and some fierce videos. Next year, it will have to happen sometime! So far I've paid tribute to alot of my favorite artists, we've had stunning performances from some of my favorite queens, in the coming months CHASER is going to do a flip turn and try and do things that are a little off the cuff and maybe a little more conceptual Like the Julia Child Tribute night, and "HUNG" with two of lovely drag king friends Jay Walker and Delicio Del Toro! I am also super excited to reunite with Dabecy and Papa Tony of the Electronic Music Bears to do our Halloween Spooktacular which will be co-hosted by my favorite retarded whore... "DOWNEY"! So I guess we have alot of great shows coming up and our attendance is picking up more and more by the week, hopefully they keep coming back!
Folsom Street Fair is in a couple of weeks I am a little excited and a little frightened, I have so many looks to pull together, Thursday is the formal dinner, Saturday is the SS Trannyshack Boat Cruise and Magnitude, and of course if I haven't reminded you yet, I am co-hosting the 7th Street Stage on Folsom Sunday from 11:30am - 2:30pm, SO i am super excited and a little nerve racked, that is why the week after, I am taking a little break from hostessing duties and letting the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence take over for a night to raise some much needed cash for the Transgender Law Center. It is going to be hosted by Sister Mable Syrup and Sister Viva L'Amour two dear friends of mine, who I really felt needed more. and more. and more. and more. etc. etc.
Hopefully I will have saved up enough energy for the next week (and figure out what I will be doing), this will be my first CHASER birthday, I am a tad terrified but whatever, you've got to march on and do!
Anyway thats it for now. Have a good morning

xx00
m*

I dreamed the dream in Times Gone By.

Just like the song from the musical tragique that is Les Miz. I dream of producing the ULTIMATE drag show. All kinds of drag, new school, old school and middle school, a bunch of amazing talent and one big stage in the middle of the courtyard of Civic Center. Yes it is 4:30am, yes I am tipsy. But somehow this will happen! IT almost happened this past June. I want this thing to be sort of dragxtravaganza, a unifying force to put all differences aside for one night, on one stage and to just PERFORM! It sounds a little like Wigstock, but mostly its due to the fact that it is somewhat a protest, people in SF do like protests. They will protest almost anything, and if I attach a cause to it, like let say HIV/AIDS, maybe it will work! Who knows, it is something I want to do, and hopefully in the future it does come. The is so much great talent here and I might as well strike while the iron is hot. 
Anyway, birthday news. nothing? really? nothing. Although I wish I could be more realistic and say that I stopped caring, I really do care. Maybe 26 is the magic number, I am feeling a little more stable this year and hence less of a need to put up some sort of incredulous pretention that I am some sort of Goddess sent down from the heavens. Quite frankly, I often ask myself in the mirror... WHO CARES! I've honestly scrapped the whole Blade Runner idea, it seems too good to be true, and you know how much I love robots, maybe its not time yet, maybe now is the time to honestly establish the show first, then see what happens. But now with CHASER being in its 6 month I still feel that alot more groundwork has to be done, alot of things still need to happen before I can go off the wall with the crazy stuff, like maybe getting a new computer so I can actually do some work! It's totes rough when you don't have your own computer. But what can I do right? Anyways IM super sleepy, I need some rest. Hope to see you this tuesday for Kylie Minogue night! 


xx00
m*