Journey To The Center Of My Heart.

Love. Actually.
I've felt really lost alot these days, have had more anxiety attacks than normal. Hopefully writing will exorcise some sort of demon that I seem to be holding on to. For whatever reason maybe I feel just a little trapped. At 26 I feel like still there is more meant for me, maybe I should try not to force it and just let things happen. I tend to want to rush things which a seriously bad habit of mine. I should just count my blessings and be grateful, because I am. Sometimes I would love to just leave my body and get out of my skin for moments, it seems impossible though and only some sort of wish. GAHHH. Why am I airing out my dirty laundry to the public. I'm feeling the pang of wanderlust again, like I feel like I should take to the open road and not worry about anything. Who knows right?
That's all I really have to say for now
have a good night. or morning or whatever!

xx00
m*

"All those moments, will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..."

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite all time movies, BLADERUNNER...
Sometimes I totally wish I was a robot. The lines uttered from Rutger Hauers lips in his death scene speaks so much volumes. The scene itself is pretty epic, his icy blue eyes covered in blood being washed off with the dripping rain (although I didn't think androids bleed). I am a nerd, a big one at that, and yes I love Bladerunner, the Sci-Fi epic set in like 2001 Los Angeles, a bunch of rebel androids running around, and of course Rachel and Pris. I don't know which one I like more, Rachel or Pris. I think I am more of a Rachel.
I slept all day today, not unlike the replicants of bladerunner I felt cold and unemotional. I spent the whole day in bed dreaming of possibilities, wandering off into some estranged horizon where everything veers into some crazy incapacitated and prolonged vision of beauty. Shadows through the light, peonies through cracks in the wall. Somehow I wanted to stay in that insouciant place, cold and untouchable, where fear doesnt pervade any emotion but just and nothing lingers more than fleeting glances of uncovered dreams.
I dreamt of passageways covered with jasmine and plumerias leading nowhere and everywhere, nothing and everything black and white, submission and domination.

This tuesday at CHASER is our tribute to the ladies of Electro. Electro-Pop has been such a big influence on my life over the past 5 years, and I think its quite apropos for Leatherweek since Electronic music is such a huge part of the SOMA/leather scene. Also, we have the distinct honor of being included as an official event listed this year! I am so proud of the girls though, alot of them are really turning the town on its bedecked heel churning out amazing performances, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week! It's such a great time to be in San Francisco to live the dream. Sometimes I do feel the challenge of churning out a show week after week but I think Chaser is more a testament. I did recieve a really nasty letter from a patron berating me about every small detail, and I can't really respond, part me just wants to grab him from his computer and gouge his eyes out, but really I can't respond. I can't help that drinks are expensive, I can't help if the trannys that do go are not interested in you, it's really not MY issue if they find you unattractive. I'm not divas, we don't have "working girls" who come in. We have respectable ladies who like a good time, and wonderful queens who put on a good show. The drinks being so expensive is out of my control. I don't take those kinds of things seriously enough, BUT in all actually, I have decided to finally FINALLY lower the cover charge to $5 which means there won't be any more guestlists at all, free or whatever, $5 bucks in a recession IS NOT ALOT to ask for is it? I'm not attempting to do anything grand at all, CHASER is what it is, its simply a drag show. I mean what was I expected to do shit out a diamond! I do however think that the girls really give everyone a show the numbers are heartfelt, earnest and honest, they are giving you everything they can on that stage, and that to me means alot more than anything really.
So thats all of my ranting for now, I hope you follow! Starting OCTOBER 6 cover charge is officially $5 come by and enjoy the show love!

I believe in You.

4am again. In and out passing through passing here, passing there. I had a very interesting day today. I'm a little bit excited for tonight's Kylie Night at CHASER. Then off to the next show which is our FOLSOM show. I guess I have to solve the problem of not having a computer by actually hand doing the fliers, I mean it would be terrible not to have actual fliers for two of my biggest shows of the year. I am considering changing the theme of my birthday show, to do GoldFrapp rather than the Blade Runner. I just feel at this point in time, as much as I would love to do something big and grand like Blade Runner, not alot of people will get it, and I would rather have a packed house for my birthday than something minimal like Blade Runner which would have to be some sort of major production with tons of characters, actual lighting and some fierce videos. Next year, it will have to happen sometime! So far I've paid tribute to alot of my favorite artists, we've had stunning performances from some of my favorite queens, in the coming months CHASER is going to do a flip turn and try and do things that are a little off the cuff and maybe a little more conceptual Like the Julia Child Tribute night, and "HUNG" with two of lovely drag king friends Jay Walker and Delicio Del Toro! I am also super excited to reunite with Dabecy and Papa Tony of the Electronic Music Bears to do our Halloween Spooktacular which will be co-hosted by my favorite retarded whore... "DOWNEY"! So I guess we have alot of great shows coming up and our attendance is picking up more and more by the week, hopefully they keep coming back!
Folsom Street Fair is in a couple of weeks I am a little excited and a little frightened, I have so many looks to pull together, Thursday is the formal dinner, Saturday is the SS Trannyshack Boat Cruise and Magnitude, and of course if I haven't reminded you yet, I am co-hosting the 7th Street Stage on Folsom Sunday from 11:30am - 2:30pm, SO i am super excited and a little nerve racked, that is why the week after, I am taking a little break from hostessing duties and letting the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence take over for a night to raise some much needed cash for the Transgender Law Center. It is going to be hosted by Sister Mable Syrup and Sister Viva L'Amour two dear friends of mine, who I really felt needed more. and more. and more. and more. etc. etc.
Hopefully I will have saved up enough energy for the next week (and figure out what I will be doing), this will be my first CHASER birthday, I am a tad terrified but whatever, you've got to march on and do!
Anyway thats it for now. Have a good morning

xx00
m*

I dreamed the dream in Times Gone By.

Just like the song from the musical tragique that is Les Miz. I dream of producing the ULTIMATE drag show. All kinds of drag, new school, old school and middle school, a bunch of amazing talent and one big stage in the middle of the courtyard of Civic Center. Yes it is 4:30am, yes I am tipsy. But somehow this will happen! IT almost happened this past June. I want this thing to be sort of dragxtravaganza, a unifying force to put all differences aside for one night, on one stage and to just PERFORM! It sounds a little like Wigstock, but mostly its due to the fact that it is somewhat a protest, people in SF do like protests. They will protest almost anything, and if I attach a cause to it, like let say HIV/AIDS, maybe it will work! Who knows, it is something I want to do, and hopefully in the future it does come. The is so much great talent here and I might as well strike while the iron is hot. 
Anyway, birthday news. nothing? really? nothing. Although I wish I could be more realistic and say that I stopped caring, I really do care. Maybe 26 is the magic number, I am feeling a little more stable this year and hence less of a need to put up some sort of incredulous pretention that I am some sort of Goddess sent down from the heavens. Quite frankly, I often ask myself in the mirror... WHO CARES! I've honestly scrapped the whole Blade Runner idea, it seems too good to be true, and you know how much I love robots, maybe its not time yet, maybe now is the time to honestly establish the show first, then see what happens. But now with CHASER being in its 6 month I still feel that alot more groundwork has to be done, alot of things still need to happen before I can go off the wall with the crazy stuff, like maybe getting a new computer so I can actually do some work! It's totes rough when you don't have your own computer. But what can I do right? Anyways IM super sleepy, I need some rest. Hope to see you this tuesday for Kylie Minogue night! 


xx00
m*

The September Issue.

I took some fierce Bendaryl in an effort to get some much needed rest. I'm watching Chelsea Lately, and earlier in the evening I went to have date night with Stephen! I was so happy we went to go see this movie, it really made my night. It's simple things like date night that make my appreciate my Stephen so much more. He stands by me, through alot of my insane decisions and I am really thankful for him being in my life.
The September Issue is a documentary based on Vogue Magazines annual September issue. I liked that they focused alot on the tension of creative director Grace Coddington and Anna Wintour. It made for an interesting dynamic. Plus the CLOTHES, so many amazing clothes from Fall 2007. I do have that issue stocked somewhere in the country house and it made me want to go dig it up and read it again. As a fashionista, I was really really into the movie, it was almost as good as the Valentino documentary I watched a couple of months ago.
Another thing I am really excited about is Tom Ford's new movie coming out. I have been a fan of Tom Ford since I was 13, and do collect alot of things he designed for Gucci. His brand of icy night club dark sexiness has really inspired me alot. His stuff reminds me alot of Anne Brancroft in the Graduate meets a Cinecitta oeuvre. This is a clip of his movie.

I guess it was the imagery I grew up looking at as a teenager, the boom, where everyone had money, and was going out. I remember never really eating at home because we were having dinner out every night. That era of Gucci has influenced me alot. It was that dark, slick and sexy coolness that has somewhat shaped me. Black Eyeliner, easy sexy clothes. I had hoped as a teenager that I would someday work for Gucci Group. But alas we all know that the company went crazy right after Tom Ford left. I remember creating some tear sheets up from old Vogues of Gucci ads I would hang in my bedroom.
In other news I am uber hagxcited about this tuesdays Kylie Minogue night @ CHASER. I'm still bummed about not having a computer. I need to do something about it. But what can you do. A lot of the graphics for upcoming CHASERs where there. BOOOOOO. Back to Kylie Minogue, I've been a big fan. I hope you are too. join us. its one of my favorite nights ever!

It's All Coming Back To Me Now.

Wow! What a totally phenomenal show we had at CHASER tonight! My spirits are up tonight and I feel confident the show I think is finally getting on the right footing with where I want to go, yes it definitely needs alot more work but I really feel everyone gave it their best tonight, and thats all that really matters. As an artist you can't really ask for anything more than earnest, honest to goodness performances. Tonight's show really made me feel good, although it was intimate, it was the show that was honestly the feel good show!
MuthaChucka did such a great job of hosting! I know she had some sort of doubt as to hosting a show about songs that make someone cry, but I had such a good time! Kitty Von Quim did a great job , so did Downey and Miss Rahni. I was so proud of Danyol for actually doing that song again! All that really mattered was a stage. I feel that the EndUp's stage has so much potential and maybe in the next year or so, I will invest in some lighting and maybe turn it into more of a production, I feel that the performers need a little extra touch more of magic. But thats down the line! It's still a work in progress...
My day started out really stressful, after my MACbook Pro finally went on the fritz and cracked out on me, I found out today that I had to buy a new one :'( BUT the good news is that I can recover alot of the information that was in the hard drive. It's so weird because my whole life was on that computer, I did all my fliers, all the Chaser themes, the guestlist, everything was on that fucking thing, and maybe this will teach me a lesson.
I was so happy with the new friends that I met on the set of "Trauma" some of them even came out tonight to check out the show! I know they're all super busy but it definitely meant alot to me that they did stop by even if it was brief.
I am so proud of the my little show, it's not much, but its definitely something I am happy about. No matter how stressed out I get over the small things. I feel that things are turning around. I am happy that the Trans community keep coming every tuesday, and they do really enjoy the show, and they are thankful to have tuesday nights again! YAY! It's so challenging to get people out on a tuesday, I hope more and more people come and check out our fantastic show. The EndUp staff is really great and my liquor sponsors are the most amazing people, I love working with them, my favorite is of course RedBull, it keeps me cracked out, and happy!
Tonight I wanted to do "ColorBlind" from Counting Crows, but I wanted to keep it light and happy so I did Celine!
But this is the song I was aiming to do.


xx00
m*

Goodnight & Go.

As you may have noticed, alot of my blogs are heavily influenced by alternative, indie, pre-emo music of the 90s and early 2000s. Alot of my late childhood was spent in my bedroom jamming to the Cranberries, Greenday and TLC. As a teenager, if I wasn't obsessed with sketching out fashion designs, or watching Gone With the Wind and Sex and the City, I was listening to Frou Frou, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Killers and Modest Mouse. In my early 20s if I wasn't out getting high or watching the O.C. or Dynasty reruns on soapnet, I was all about the new wave of electronic pop music that seemed to have been all the rage! 
Growing up I always fancied myself to become a Fellini type of movie star, always in sepia tone, saying the right things, jumping in fountains. When I was 15 I went to Italy, and partied on the Via Veneto and Piazza San Marco, it was so beautiful, I felt like I was really living a dream. Although I never really imagined that I would be doing drag in San Francisco. It was a far fetched idea. 
I grew up living on an estate around the beach, it was incredibly beautiful. The old house was mediterranean style, and my bedroom had the most amazing view. I used to watch the sunsets. Growing up on an island was such a blessing and a curse. We were always subject to Typhoons (that is what Hurricanes are called on the other side of the Pacific Ocean) and that was bad, luckily we had powerful generators, because sometimes the power would be out for months. Everyone always said Guam had tons of snakes, and I encountered a snake like once or twice. One dead one on the beach, and one dying that got caught trying to crawl up my bedroom window through the bouganvilla vines that covered the walls of the house. There tons of palm trees and coconut trees by the beach and the sand was always white with turqouise blue waters. When it rained during the May and June months, I always opened the windows, I loved the way the Jasmine smelled in the damp wet day. It's always surprising to me when I look back and never really liked the fact that I lived in the middle of nowhere, but in retrospect, it's the most beautiful place in the world and wouldn't trade a damn thing. 
The first true love I ever had lived on the compound next to us. You never really forget the first one. I remember the first kiss. A screenwriter couldn't have written it better. The sky was shades of deep purple, pink and orange, kind of melded together and it happened. I was so young. At that age, you think everything is love. But I guess I was in love. I always had a thing of guys with dark hair and piercing eyes, like the eyes that cut you and melt you with one look (even now my Stephen has piercing blue eyes.
There is some part of me that wants to go back, and some part of me that is a little more hesitant about revisiting that. I've been thinking about my childhood alot, I guess it's a total quarterlife crises that I am going through. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I'm downright terrified. I always thought I was only going to live till the age of thirty. But it seems it might be longer than that. I've canceled all major plans for a huge birthday bash. Why? You may ask.. it's because I feel like the older I get, the less I have to prove to myself or to anyone. Maybe I'll cook some dinner for some friends who I just want over for a simple nice chat. Nothing too fancy really. I've had tons of fancy birthday parties over the years and if there was a chance to throw a huge birthday party it would've been last year. Who knows. Who cares. I've been such a party person, that maybe a little peace and quiet and maybe something a little more intimate would be best. Besides I already have the best present, a supportive and loving man at my side, two wonderful cats, and a fun party everyweek. Although maybe a nice vacation is in order for me. I was thinking an outdoor dinner, but who has a patio big enough for me to celebrate in. Low key is most definitely the key phrase, and I want to keep it that way, I can have all the other 300 people come to CHASER the tuesday after, if they really wanted to celebrate. 




xx00
m*

Heartbeats.

Yes even though my foot is totally cramp-o-licious and my face totally hurts, I am forging on! I went to Sixxteen tonight, alot of familiar faces, alot of new faces, alot of things happening, there was some sort of drag show in the back that I didn't catch, although it was great to see Princess Kennedy who now doesn't live in SF anymore! She still looks so fucking gorgeous after all these years, and fishier than ever! I guess for alot of my friends Sixxteen represented a really a crazy time in our lives, lots of drugs involved, and I don't blame them. I'm not going into it. It was a past life. I was a baby art school/nerd/fashion fag, somethings have changed, while others haven't and tonight was proof of that! Uhmm, I'm not really sure what to make of things, another place I was going to visit was the Li-Po in Chinatown, an old haunt favored by some of the most interesting parties I've seen in a while. The Li-Po is legendary and has been written about in books (both fiction and non-fiction), and in movies! It is hotter than hell inside, and even though there a pizza and buffalo wings menu thing, I do not reccomend you even trying it. The basement part of Li-Po is really cool but a total sauna, so I don't know how my drag would fare in that place. I heard through the grapevine that there is a really interesting party there on Sunday nights, and I'm really hoping that one of these days I get to stop by. You know me, I always have to be on the forefront of really interesting things! 
So yes, onto Tuesday with our great show, getting all high drama up in here! I'm starting to look for songs that are on the emotional side of things! Jose Gonzales does a great cover of The Knife's Classic "Heartbeats" it is definitely worth listening to. A little monotonous, but the feeling is there. Ryan Addams did a cover of one of my all time favorite bands Oasis' "Wonderwall". There is also a David Gray cover of Marc Almonds "Say Hello Wave Goodbye" but that has already been done. I am posting the O.C. episode wher they play Ryan Addams cover of Wonderwall. 
uhmm yeah, so there are tons of other songs! I am going to bed now. I can't believe I'm going to bed before 5am! So stoked! Happy Labor day darling! and stay outta trouble!


xx00
m*

And then there was one.

What a lovely evening I've had! Even after all the exhaustion from all that shooting, I felt today was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a really long time. I was so happy that I didn't have to wear that stupid leopard print dress again today. Chaser vs. Hyp was great tonight I had a blast, it was a real treat to have such pleasant people like Philip, and Vince to work with. It's such a great event, although I have no hip hop I still made the best of it.
This tuesday is five songs that make you cry at Chaser, hosted by MuthaChucka, it should be a great show, I wish we had a strobe light though, I think that's really it for now. Im kinda pooped. I am posting this wonderful video of the ending of Six Feet Under with Sia's Breathe Me, there are really tons of songs that do make me tear up and make me incredibly emotional, but this one really gets me! I did the number once at trannyshack years ago, as a broken doll. I think I'll do it again! Who knows. Enjoy the video.

I SHOULDVE DIED!

No it's really not as dramatic as the title! I posted a promo video for the new NBC series Trauma which I have totally been filming all week with a bunch of other SF Queens! Spoiler alert, I don't die, infact I get rescued and Monistat lives to see another day! I wish I can say the same for my feet! After four grueling and extensive days of shooting scenes around the Polk Area - which I find highly ironic, and I'll tell you why later, our shoot is FINALLY FINALLY done!
I wasn't anticipating waking up at 5:00am Tuesday morning to put on drag for a 7:00am Call time. But none the less I managed to live even though I had performed at Tiara Sensation the night before. Needless to say the first day was a little retarded because I spent most of the day sitting down, standing up, sitting down, waiting, and waiting and waiting. But whatver, I had the outlook of, at least I'm getting paid to sit and be fierce! That was the same for most of the filming, it was more or less about sitting down and standing up etc. I think there was at a point I just waited for like 7 hours. It was definitely a treat for me to hang out with queens who I don't normally get to see on a normal basis, like Peggy L'Eggs, Holotta Tymes and Donna Sachet which was such a blast. And it was an even bigger treat to see Heklina almost get killed. Key word being ALMOST!
I must say even though it was completely tiring and the maxim of the ever unpredictable SF Summer Weather was really bogging me ( The first day of shooting it was about 90 Degrees Farenheit, the last day of shooting it was 54 degrees) it was most definitely a rewarding experience. I was happy with my screen time, and quite frankly the appeal of being on a professional movie set, and seeing how they did things was a treat! I love the technical aspect of it all, and had managed to wander in on the camera vans where they kept all the equipment and got to see how things really take shape. I am curious to see how they all manage to edit everything in the end. It should be quite interesting! I am thankful that Stephen has been so supportive these past few days, he has been so incredibly supportive and I am so thankful that was around to help me go through the ordeal!
On to other news, CHASER is still going strong after four months! I am not ready to throw in the towel at all, and each show seems to be some wild practice in emotional restraint! This past tuesday, I handed the reigns of the show to two of my girl-friends Chastity Belle and Honey Mahogany, in a crazy experiment of mine! I will admit I did have a slight melt down when my resident DJ called me and told me that they wanted to start the show at 11pm instead of usual 12 Midnight time slot! IM NOT MOVING times around! and then I was told through text that there were 9 numbers that night! Sleep deprived and not very lucid, I hauled ass to the EndUp to see what was really going on, it seems that the ladies handled everything well, and the show turned out to be one of the most endearing shows, and the caliber of the performers were amazing!
So tonight is CHASER vs. HYP, the team up with Club 8 on Folsom! It should be exciting, the first Chaser vs. Hyp was really great. Although I am all of a sudden not feeling like DJing, but maybe I'll just do a number and walk around be fabulous. we shall see. but who knows right? Then this tuesday at Chaser we have 5 Songs That Make You Cry, hosted by someone very dear to me, MuthaChucka! Then who knows. I am very over dragged right now!
I went trolling around for jobs online, but it seems that alot of the jobs that I want to do are not in San Francisco. I am listening to some awesome Annie Lennox right now, and that was soothing me to a soft lull. Anyway hope to see you, thanks for reading have a great morning!